Comment from discussion Creabhain’s comment from discussion "How to wear fragrance".
The tips in this section are primarily based on Dr. Olivia Fox Cabane’s book, ‘The Charisma Myth’ and the summaries of the book provided by /u/SuavePadawan and /u/upandup123 on /r/getSuave and on The Art of Manliness. There are 3 elements to Charisma: Presence, Power and Warmth.
Essentially active listening
- Bring yourself to the here and now. Learn to focus on something such as your toes or your breath. That will bring you more into the moment and make you more present.
- Make sure you’re physically comfortable
- Set your devices on silent and put them out of sight
- Look the person in the eye when they’re talking
- Maintain eye contact, not doing so can be considered uncomfortable by some
- Keep the regions around your eyes “soft”. Stern looks can intimidate people.
- Nod to show that you’re listening
- Ask clarifying questions
- Avoid fidgeting
- Don’t think about how you’re going to respond while the person is still talking
- Never interrupt. Wait two seconds before responding 🌟
- Let your face react and process what the person said for about two seconds, then speak. This makes people much more comfortable, and makes you seem more intelligent.
- Try to count out two seconds in your head before you reply to what people say. You will first notice that, often, people were not finished speaking. They merely paused. By waiting two seconds, you allow them to finish their entire thought. Rather than interrupting the other person, you communicate genuine interest and attention to what they are saying. Second, waiting two seconds creates a moment of tension between the end of their thought and your reply. Because most people immediately jump into their reply, in waiting two seconds you communicate confidence and power.
Being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.
- Boost your confidence
- Spend time with proper posture, taking up space with confident poses, and spend time smiling. Eventually your brain will pick up to this pace.
- Chose your music choice carefully. Music can affect your mood heavily.
- Know a little about a lot
- Become physically fit
- Dress for power
- Wear clothes similar to those that you want to attract
- Be the Big Gorilla
- Envision a large gorilla tromping through the jungle. That’s the way you want to move. Not necessarily just like it, but by taking up space and moving with a purpose.
- Don’t be concerned with mild collisions.
- Assume Power Poses
- Take control of your environment
- Speak less and slowly
- Boost your poise
- Imagine James Bond. This guy doesn’t fidget, and doesn’t look to earn approval from who he’s conversing with.
- Don’t fidget, don’t look to assure or please the person you are speaking to.
- Assume that you are already bringing enough and that they have to bring the rest.
- Now that you are conveying power, be careful not to over do it, as you might intimidate some people. Remember to keep soft eyes. Another helpful tip is to tilt your head down just a bit. This seems respectful, and makes you seem more knowledgeable.
Warmth fulfills the basic human need to be understood, acknowledged, and taken care of — a need rooted in our very being all the way from childhood
Wishing goodwill on others is an excellent way to reach warmth, and create a feeling of warmth in others. With expressing goodwill, your body language will dramatically change and make you more charismatic.
Find three things to appreciate or approve of of someone you want to express goodwill to, things such as “their shoes were shined” or “they were on time”.
Visualize people as wearing angel wings. This will make you want to express goodwill, and support angels. Feel free to envision yourself wearing them too in order to create a sense of team effort toward a good cause. A band of angels working together.
Developing Warmth Within
- Practice gratitude
- Develop your empathy
Conveying Warmth To Others
- Think of yourself as the host
- Lead with a sincere compliment
- People have a craving for appreciation. Show appreciation by saying stuff like ,”You did a great job!” rather than “Great job!”
- People would rather be reaffirmed that they made the right choice then find a fault with it, so remind people they had a choice with you, and express gratitude. That will further make them happy with their decision.
This also works in reverse. If you blame someone, they will probably only look for validation that they are right.
- Put more warmth in your voice
- Speak lowly, and slowly. Pause frequently. Lower intonation at the end of sentences. Imagine the word “closed” when picturing a judge saying, “The case is closed.”
- Mirror their body language
- People like others who are similar in speech, demeanor, appearance, etc.
- Mimic the motions of those you are speaking to. This creates a sense of trust.
- Be selective. There’s just some you can’t recreate without being suspicious or some motions may be gender specific
- Use variations in amplitude. If they go big with a motion, maybe go small. Only do what’s comfortable.
- Don’t mirror someone who is angry. Break them from their angry pose by handing them something or something, then move into a non angry one.
- Relax your posture
- Open up your body
- Give them your “kind” eyes
- Anticipate needs
- Offer something warm to drink
- Give a good handshake
- Give people a chance to let you know the effort they put into something
- Show people how their involvement has helped. People will feel driven to help support it.
- Make them feel comfortable
- Remember dates, anniversaries, and details
- Give thoughtful gifts
- Take care of things
- Ask for help
- Use the Benjamin Franklin effect in which asking someone to do you a favor will make you seem more likeable.
- Instead, ask for their opinion, which will make them feel more valued.
- If you can, find some way to remind them of a past time they helped out, and attempt to praise them for the warmth they had for doing that.
Break The Ice
- Excellent way to start communication with warmth is to compliment something someone is wearing.
- From there, ask an open ended question about it, “What’s the story behind that, where is it from, etc.”
- Ask more open ended questions that don’t have a definitive yes or no answer.
- Using lingo that relates to what they are interested in. For instance, if someone is really into golf describe a success as a hole in one.
- Don’t linger, break it off fairly quickly and leave on a high note.
- Massive bonus points if you offer them something when you leave. Something such as a connection or a resource they might enjoy/need.
- Don’t worry about what you said, or what you will say. A MIT Media Lab study showed that how you made them feel is what counted.
- If someone told you they want to be saved from a conversation, focus all your warmth and charisma not on the person being rescued, but on the person who is going to lose them, and ask them, “I’m really sorry, but X is needed to do X, would you mind if I take them?”. This will give them the sense that they had some say in the matter while also avoiding hurting their feelings.
- Speak about positive topics and make people feel good when you speak to them. Positive connotations will make them much more likely to want to converse with you in the future
- Take a compliment in full. Don’t qualify (“Oh its nothing!” or “No I’m not!”) or you may make the person who gave you the compliment feel as if they were wrong to compliment you. Apply good listener skills for bonus points.
- “You can get more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”-Dale Carnegie.
- Speaking with metaphors and creating images is more favorable to the brain, and more likely to make you sound like an effective speaker.
Don’t use images when discussing negative things.
Deliver High Value
- When you are speaking to someone you are demanding their time and attention. This is valuable, so you must deliver on it. For instance, you can do these three things to make it worth their time:
- Make what you’re saying entertaining
- Give interesting or helpful information
- Find a way to arouse good feelings
Tuning your voice
- Vocal Power
- Vocal Warmth
- Smile! This heavily affects how you sound and speak!
Divide and Conquer
- Don’t try to win over a big group of people at once.
- Understand which strategy you want to use with each person.
Delivering Bad News
- Have distractions such as items for them to fidget with, candle light, or background music.
- Prepare yourself to come from a place of compassion when you speak.
- Once again, create a comfortable environment, get into a compassionate place,
- Get specific with your criticisms.
- Depersonalize. Let the person know you are critiquing their behavior, not them.
- “When you wait til the last possible minute to work on the presentation, I get nervous.” is the proper critique. “Why do you feel the need to wait til the last possible minute?” is not.
- Start of on a positive note, such as bringing up their accomplishments.
- Follow up with criticisms. Once again, depersonalize. Instead of asking “Could you get the presentation done earlier?”, say “In the future I would greatly appreciate it if you could be ready with the project a few days in advance.”
- Deny yourself the joy of pointing out the fact that someone is wrong. Once again, make them feel good about themselves, then explain in a depersonalized way.
- If things start getting verbally tense, remind them of times they’ve done well. Remember to mirror their actions to make them feel at ease.
- End on a positive note.
Use a military tuck
A. The Rules
1. Look as tall as you can.
This is easily achieved by making your legs look as long as possible and by following rules two & three.
- Your legs make you look taller so by using DARK jeans/trousers/chinos/slacks on your legs you’re using the oldest trick in the book; dark colours = slimming = taller.
- Use dark coloured socks and shoes to make your legs look longer. EXAMPLE: If you were to use dark jeans and light shoes, you’re creating a ‘visual break’ from head to toe.
- Match the colour of your shoes to your belt or wear no belt at all. A belt is a horizontal line across your middle, if you have a wide middle you don’t want to put a horizontal line across that will draw unnecessary attention.
- Match the ‘scale’ of your shoes to the ‘width’ of your trousers. For example, if you wear slim fit trousers, wear slim fit shoes.
- If you’re a big fellah you will suit wide leg trousers, so your shoes should be slightly wider too – not pointy toe winkle pickers old chap
2. Maintain a slim or shaped waist.
- A slimmer waist helps you achieve rule number three.
- Whatever you wear around your waist should ‘hug’ your waist. If its baggy then you look baggy, if it’s too tight, you look too fat. If it just hugs you, you feel all nice and comfy and well fitted.
- Garments with buttons on allow you to create a waist shape – blazers/ suit jackets/ cardigans/ waistcoats can all be used to slim down your waist line. Never button all the buttons on the garment, only button the ones that create a slim waist. For example, on a waist coat or cardigan it’s a good idea to leave the bottom button open. This is because you create a little upside down v shape by your waist helping the legs look longer and the waist narrower.
3. Make your shoulders look wider than your waist
- Wide shoulders are a very masculine quality and keep attention focused at the upper end of your body
- Wear a light colour under a darker garment. A white/light blue/ pink shirt under a dark garments such as a V-neck jumper or cardigan helps create wider shoulders – this is because the shape of the dark garment over the lighter coloured garment creates a natural V shape on the chest area – visually the shoulders look wider and the waist slimmer.
- A V neck on any garment slims the neck, face and chest. Visually, if your neck and head appear slimmer, your shoulders appear wider.
- Make sure that the shoulder seams on the shirts/t-shirt/jumper/ whatever you wear on top hit the very end (crown) of your shoulders. This maximises the width of your shoulders.
4. Wear clothes that fit
4.1. Shoulder seams
This is where the arm of a garment joins the main body at the shoulder. You need to make sure that where this seam falls is exactly at the end of your shoulder, this will help to make your shoulders appear as wide as they can.
This is such a common thing that guys fail to pick up on. The garment that seems to be the main offender is shirts, drooping shoulders or a tight fit are the result of badly fitted shoulder seems.
If the seams fall off your shoulder then the garment will look way too big for you, if it comes up your shoulder towards your neck, it will look too tight.
Too baggy, too short or too long and you’ll look way out of proportion. A good place for a sleeve to fall is around the top of your hand, this is so that when you move about the cuff doesn’t ride up your arm. If you’re wearing a suit or a blazer the cuff wont disappear under the jacket.
4.3. Trouser/ jeans/ chino hems
The hem of a trouser is where it finishes at the ankles. The best place for the hem to finish is half way down the heel of your shoe. This rule applies because it helps the legs to look as long as possible, helping you look taller and this is a mistake that so many men make.
The bottom of your pants or jeans should rest gently on the top of your shoes (unless you have a specific brand – rocker or hip hop jeans). If you’re stepping on the back of your pants with the heel of your shoe, they’re too long. If your jeans are raising up to expose your socks when you walk, they’re too short. (Models by Mark Manson)
- Belt should match your shoes and/or your accessories.
- If you’re wearing dress pants, your socks should match your pants.
- If you’re wearing jeans, your socks should match your shoes.
6. Choose the Right Colours
6.1. Choose good colors for your skin tone.
- Everyone can wear white and black.
- Dark Skin Tone – African, Indian, Middle Eastern, Darker Latino
- Medium Skin Tone – Darker Caucasian, Asian, Lighter Latino, Lighter African, Lighter Indian, Lighter Middle Eastern
- You have the widest range of choices as far as colors as most will complement your skin tone.
- Earth tones and pastels look the best on you: burgundy, magenta, dark green, navy blue, light blue, black, white.
- The colors to avoid are the one medium tones that will blend into your skin: tan, beige, dark brown, orange, some reds.
B. Creating a Wardrobe
These are the absolute quickest way to look more stylish (Models by Mark Manson)
- Watches: A nice watch goes a long way to augment one’s style and status. But be warned, most nice watches are very expensive.
- Necklaces: Necklaces accentuate the neck and the shoulders, creating a sense of power and dominance. Anything from a simple chain to dog tags or a surfer’s leather strap necklace can augment your outfit immediately.
- Bracelets: Whether metal or leather, make sure they match the colors and style of your outfit. Bracelets accentuate your hands and arms. Consider them particularly if you’re skinny and gangly.
- Rings: You can put a ring on any finger. A thumb ring is the most stylish and aggressive. Avoid the pointer fingers and the left ring finger (for obvious reasons). Again, make sure the metal matches your other accessories in your outfit.
- Sunglasses: Go to a sunglasses store and try out a bunch of different pairs. Find a pair that compliments your head shape nicely. Sunglasses cover the eyes, creating a sense of mystery and power in whoever wears them.
- Piercings/Tattoos (Optional): Depending on your style and personality, piercings and tattoos can augment EVERY outfit you wear more than any piece of jewelry could. If you’re an artistic person, or into particular music scenes, consider getting these done.
1. Prepare Beforehand
- What’s your 30-second story of who you are, what you’re doing and why you care so much?
- Save everyone from awkward silences with good go-to stories that you have prepared beforehand. Think about exciting past experiences, funny things that happened to you or people you know, or anything else that would be somewhat entertaining. Once you have a few you think will work, practice telling them. You can even write them down if you want to. You don’t need to over-rehearse, but you want to be able to pull these stories out at any time.
- Obey The 3-Second Rule. When you see someone interesting to talk to, you have three seconds to walk up and say hello.
- Get your “foot in the door” with something banal and unoriginal.
- Weather – People talk about the weather all the time. Do you know why? Because 1) everyone can relate to it and 2) it sparks a different conversation often enough. Don’t be afraid to be unoriginal, even if it’s just to get your foot in the proverbial door. Talking is the first step.
- Where you’re/they’re from
- A late bus or train
- Movie recommendations
- Read any good books lately?
- Use the FORD Technique to Make Small Talk Easier – Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. Share Small Details Until One Idea Sticks.
- Repeat the other person’s name during the conversation, when meeting them for the first time.
- If you want to endear someone to you quickly, ask them for advice. Doesn’t matter what on, just asking for their opinion on anything shows that you respect them and value their input.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. You’re not that interesting to them.
- Let people talk about themselves when they want to talk about themselves.
- If small talk is your goal, you should aim for volume, not depth.
- Act like they’re already your friend. A word of warning: done incorrectly, you can put off a lot of people. Instead, keep conversation light–as if you’ve already met these people. say the kinds of things you might say to someone you already know. “Let them in” on your current thoughts. Remove the social filter and simply start talking. You’d be surprised at how many people will pick up on your friendly vibe and reciprocate in turn. Then, at some point, it’s easy to simply say, “I’m ___, by the way.” Voila! Introductions made, and a new context has been set.
- Introduce friends by explaining what you value about them.
- Keep the conversation focused on them. Focus on the emotions. Use plenty of “we” statements, along with a balanced amount of “you’s” and “I’s”. Address logic first and then finish your response by addressing emotions.
- When introducing two people to each other, make a point of using both of their names a few times in the ensuing conversation.
Turn Small Talk Into Good Conversation by Asking About Their Passions: When a friend of yours tells you (or a group) that she went horseback riding and had an amazing time, don’t ask “Where did you go?”, rather ask “I have never done horseback riding. What makes it so exciting?” I guarantee you that any person who is passionate about the topic will not only teach you a ton – in an interesting way – but will also like you more and feel closer to you afterwards.
- Simply repeat—or parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court. It shows you’re listening, interested, and lets them get back to telling their story.
- Reflect Their Emotions Back At Them in Full – What to say: “No way!” “Are you serious?” “I can’t believe that happened.” “What did you DO?”
4. Useful Responses / Lines
- “You gotta have patience for that”
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- What superpower would you want?
- “If you had to choose between a year in Europe with a $2,000/month stipend or 10 minutes on the moon, which would you choose?”
- “Tell me more.”
- “That’s interesting. Why would you do that?”
- “That’s interesting. Why would you say that?”
- How awesome was your day? Even if they haven’t been having a good day, it sort of forces them to think of something good that happened to them that day. I use this all the time, its more cheerful than the boring “how are you”
5. Things To Keep In Mind
- Don’t say X is better than Y. Say that you prefer X over Y.
- Use the phrase “My understanding was…” instead of “I assumed…”
- Stop Saying “Actually” to Avoid Making People Feel Stupid
- Learn to Say No By Always Asking for Time to Think
- Always be positive.
- Stop saying “But” and start saying “And”, i.e., be constructive
- Smile. Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
- Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly. Take note colour of their eyes. Describe the colour of her eyes to yourself. Length of her eyelashes. Count their blinks.
- Follow Up
- Don’t Be Afraid of Silences: Give Others a Chance to Get to Know You
- When you meet with someone in person, shut off your phone completely
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. You’re not that interesting to them.
- When you walk into a room alone, look for pairs of people who are talking, and introduce yourself to each person.
- Let people finish before interjecting with agreement or otherwise.
- Compliment Enough and Accept Compliments Well
- Whenever you have an argument with someone, stand next to them and not in front of them.
- If you ask someone a question and they only partially answer, just wait. They will keep talking.
- Realize others do not have to share your opinions.
- Mirror their body language. Use their name.
- Don’t comment on physical appearance.
- When telemarketers call, politely tell them, “put me on your do not call list.”
- A Gentleman Never Arrives Empty-Handed
- When you read something that strikes you as interesting, write to the author.
- Practising empathy:
- Don’t just know, try to understand.
- Maintain positivity & high energy
- Be the one who says see you later, be occupied. (this is a big one to appear as a attractive person)
- Instead of saying ‘yeah you told me’ when someone repeats a story, say ‘yes, I remember this.’
6. Special Cases
- An apology consists of:
- A clear ‘I’m sorry’ statement.
- An expression of regret for what happened.
- An acknowledgment that social norms or expectations were violated.
- An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person.
- A request for forgiveness.
- Eliminate “If” and “But” for More Sincere Apologies
- When apologizing, replace the word “but” with a pause
- Whenever you need a favor, open with “I need your help.”
- Apologize for Anything Before Asking for a Favor
- Make someone do something small for you, then ask for your true favor
- Be Immediate
- Ask the recipient what they thought.
- Sandwich the feedback between two compliments.
- Make the feedback about the project, not the person.
- Be Specific.
- Tie Feedback to Goals
- Suggest actionable steps.
- “I hadn’t thought of that, …”
- For example, next time you’ve worked hard on a project, your boss compliments your ability to deliver under pressure, and you’re tempted to tell him or her, “it wasn’t a big deal,” consider the fact that you might be deflecting. Instead, try to replace this gut reaction with a simple “thank you.” And when someone thanksyou, The Muse suggests embracing “you’re welcome” instead of shrugging off gratitude for hard work or even for a favor:
The funny thing is, “You’re welcome” is so easy, but also so overlooked. If you listen to yourself the next 10 times someone thanks you, I’d bet your response is more along the lines of “Sure,” “No problem,” or “Any time.”
So, practice saying, “You’re welcome” in daily life (e.g., after someone thanks you for holding the door open). Then, you’ll be able to say it much more readily when a co-worker thanks you for helping him out with a big project.
- Give Before You Receive. The gesture can be as simple as forwarding a relevant article or providing an introduction to someone who can further the person’s own interests.
6. Useful Links
Turn sideways from them (they will be either 90 degrees right or left of you), then very obviously, look at your watch (even if you don’t wear one, lift your wrist) then point at your watch and nod thoughtfully. Over acting is perfectly acceptable.
If they are keeping tabs on you, even peripherally, they will have a sudden urge to know the time and will either look at their own watch, cell phone, or casually look at the various obvious places where someone would put a clock.
Whatever your friend has just said, paraphrase it and say it again. The person who talks to you will subconsciously get the feeling you are a really great listener. Just don’t go too far with the paraphrasing thing.
Persuasaion & Manipulation of Others
The basis of authority? Body language, clothing style, financial resources, likeability/charm and intelligence. Combine them to lay the groundwork for all the other psychological manipulation techniques.
Use the Door in the Face technique. Make an enormous request (like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cristobal_Colon did when asking for funding of his expedition) without the intention of having anyone accept the unrealistic offer. If you follow up with a small request afterwards, you are much more likely to have your request granted. Avoid making too big of a request/demand though because you might run risk of sabotaging the whole negotiation with an insulting demand.
Want someone to agree with you? Start asking them something you know they are going to agree upon, even if unrelated. For example ask a liberal person “I hate Hitler, do you like him?”. Follow up with the question or request you wish your vis-á-vis to agree upon.
The Placebo Information. Give people any reason using “because” in your request. Studies have shown that the compliance can skyrocket, when giving any reason for your request. For example: Can you join me at the event tonight because I need an escort.
Whenever you want someone to cooperate, agree with you or want them to calm down when angry, stand in a 45° angle to them or next to them. Standing or sitting in a direct line of a person tricks the brain into believing that the vis-à-vis is an enemy. Avoid this in interactions where your aim is cooperation.
People will be more likely to do you favors if you make more physical, platonic contact with them. Note the word “platonic”. Unless they are attracted to you, flirtatious behaviour will make them more aloof. One of the highly successful psychological manipulation techniques, frequently used subconsciously.
If you want to manipulate people, alter their mental state. A scared, stressed, shocked or anxious person has less inclination to refuse. Reason is that they think with their primitive limbic system, which only knows black & white, but no shades of grey.
A person who frequently draws attention to his genitals(scratching, adjusting down there. Holding his belt with his thumbs, ergo taking a manly stance) values his masculinity. Attacks on his masculinity will hurt him much more while he will love to hear compliments about it.
If your target starts raising their voice, tell them that you’ll understand them better if they talk calmly. This phrase is provocative because everyone wants to be understood in a debate. Same goes for a sudden increase in speed.
Assumption Principle: Assume that the other person agrees with your terms. Example “I am going to come to your place and show you how I can save you money on your insurance. When is the best time?”Even better is to combine this approach with limited options. Make people choose between 20:00 and 21:30.
Want your kids to eat broccoli? Go ahead and ask them if they want two or five stalks of broccoli instead of asking them if they want broccoli. Thus, you’ve made your mind and chose broccoli for their lunch, but they feel like they have really made their own decision. You can use the same old trick in different situations.
Your friend will most likely help you carry, let’s say, a box of your stuff if you continue talking while handing over the box. The majority of people won’t even notice you’re handing them something and will take it. However, some people more attentive and less close to you may get pretty confused.
If you’re lying, always always ALWAYS include some detail that is embarrassing to you. It makes your story far more believable.
Instead of saying, “No I wasn’t at Jimson James’ house. I was with Randy the whole time.”
Try saying, “No I haven’t been to Jimsons’ in a while. I clogged his toilet so I don’t think his parents want me over there for a while… So me and Randy hung out.”
The extra embarrassing detail makes your story seem more truthful. It gets you out of a lot of shit.
Persuasaion & Manipulation of Self
A couple of confidence instilling tricks… the key to confidence is walking into a room, and assuming everyone there already likes and respects you. Make a habit of smiling at people… smile more and see how good you will feel about yourself, in the process you will make others feel good, and you will render yourself open to making more friends/associates. When alone, try making the biggest smile possible, you’ll automatically feel happier and more outgoing. Also, if you start acting like you’re a confident and assertive person, people will believe you are indeed that – ‘fake it until you make it’.
If you want to avoid that weird soft shoe dance that happens when you try to pass by someone but you both choose the same direction to step, look intently over their shoulder on the side you want to pass by. It makes weaving through crowds a breeze.
If you look above everyone’s heads, they will get out of your way and you’ll never need to swerve, because they can’t tell where you’re going. I’ve done this on Oxford Street in London and in busy tube stations. Works every time.
- Hold a the door open for a few extra seconds.
- Express your gratitude for what is too often taken for granted.
- Never exaggerate.
- Never point at another.
- Never betray a confidence.
- Never laugh at the misfortunes of others.
- Never speak much of your own performances.
- Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed.
- Never make yourself the hero of your own story.
- Never pick the teeth or clean the nails in company.
- Never fail to give a polite answer to a civil question.
- Never question a child about family matters.
- Never present a gift saying that it is of no use to yourself.
- Never read letters which you may find addressed to others.
- Never fail, if a gentleman, of being civil and polite to ladies.
- Never refer to a gift you have made, or favor you have rendered.
- Never associate with bad company. Have good company, or none.
- Never look over the shoulder of another who is reading or writing.
- Never appear to notice a scar, deformity, or defect of anyone present.
- Never arrest the attention of an acquaintance by touch. Speak to him.
- Never punish your child for a fault to which you are addicted yourself.
- Never answer questions in general company that have been put to others.
- Never lend an article you have borrowed, unless you have permission to do so.
- Never pass between two persons who are talking together, without an apology.
- Never will a gentleman allude to conquests which he may have made with ladies.
- Never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.
- Never neglect to perform the commission which the friend entrusted to you. You must not forget.
- Never accept of favors and hospitality without rendering an exchange of civilities when opportunity offers.
- Never fail to say kind and encouraging words to those whom you meet in distress. Your kindness may lift them out of their despair.
- Never refuse to receive an apology. You may not receive friendship, but courtesy will require, when an apology is offered, that you accept it.
- Never fail to speak kindly. If a merchant, and you address your clerk; if an overseer, and you address your workman; if in any position where you exercise authority, you show yourself to be a gentleman by your pleasant mode of address.
- Never attempt to convey the impression that you are a genius, by imitating the faults of distinguished men. Because certain great men were poor penmen, wore long hair, or had other peculiarities, it does not follow that you will be great by imitating their eccentricities.
- Hop to your feet whenever a woman enters a room where you are sitting, and stand on them until she sits or goes. An old school gentleman never sits unless and until all women in the room are also sitting; and then, unless he is in his own house, he sits only on invitation.
- Stand up for men, too, for introductions, greetings, leave-takings. This “comes natural”.
- Walk on the street-side of the sidewalk when you can do it gracefully.
- Stand up when someone, man or woman, is trying to pass in front of you in a row of theatre seats.
- Hold all doors for her.
- You should still relieve her of heavy things. No matter what she says or how much she meant it, you gotta stand while she stands. “Don’t bother—I can manage.” She probably can, but if you stand by while she does it all herself, and it is a struggle for her, you’re going to look pretty silly to people who haven’t heard her protests.
- “You go ahead; I’ll be all right.” She expects you to insist—in action, not words.
- Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she is pregnant.
- If you have someone on speakerphone or where others can hear the conversation let them know.
- If you’re in a group and you are sharing a funny picture or joke written on your phone, pass it to everyone, not just 1 or 2 people.
- If you do not have headphones, turn the volume off on your phone in public.
- Help women be graceful.
- Stay on the dangerous side of the sidewalk.
- Give up your seat for people who need it more.
- Stand when meeting someone.
- Always offer guests something to drink.
- Remove your hat and/or sunglasses when you enter a building.
- A gentleman always carries a handkerchief, and is ready to lend it, especially to a weeping lady, should the need arise.
- A gentleman keeps his leather shoes polished and his fingernails clean.
- A gentleman admits when he is wrong.
- The modern gentleman also knows that opening a taxi door for a woman and waiting for her to slide in first has never been the rule — really. Slide in first, and thus give her less sweaty leather to have to scramble over.
- If you post a question on a forum, then find the answer, it is common courtesy to post the answer in said forum for future reference.
- When someone hands you their phone to see a photo, do not swipe left/right. If you’re handing someone your cell to see a photo, zoom in a little first.
- Don’t watch what other people are doing on the computer, its bad manners to sneak behind someone and stare like if you are judging.
- Write every email as though it may be forwarded to the person who you’d least like to see it.
Cataloging Their Life
- Once you have a child, create an email for them. Write them an email as often as you like as they age. You can attach photos and videos for them in the mail also. It can be a great birthday gift for when they turn 16 or 18.
- Verbally mention dates in your children’s home videos
- You may also use apps like 1SecondEveryday to chronicle and splice together videos of your children.
Teaching Them To Read A Bike
Make sure their feet can touch the ground if they’re sitting down on the bike. Tell them to begin to move the bike forward by pushing their feet against the ground (IOW, tell them to “walk themselves along on the bike.”) They will become very familiar with the momentum balance very quickly. Then, simply tell them to lift their feet and begin to pedal when they’re ready to. The classic style of teaching your kid to ride that we’re all familiar with – your hand gripping their seat and the other on the handle bar and you begin to push them to gain momentum and tell them to “keep pedaling,” is, in my experience, relatively ineffective. Using this method, your child will learn in under five minutes and you won’t have to touch them or the bike at all. This is very simple.
Taking Them Out
- Before going to a crowded area with your small children, take a picture of them before heading out the door. If they get lost, you can show people the picture in the clothes/costumes they are wearing.
- Don’t Praise Ability Or Intelligence: That promotes a fixed mindset. Compliment effort, process and choices.
- Don’t Ignore Outcome, Tie It To Effort: You can be happy when your kid succeeds, but attribute it to effort.
- Respond Positively To Failure: They need to know that failure isn’t bad, it’s a tool for improving.
- Don’t Just Say “Try Hard.” Help Kids Set Goals: Blind repetition doesn’t work. Help kids strategize.
- Teach Growth Mindset In All Areas Of Life: There’s no area where they cannot improve with hard work.
- Talk To Your Kids About Your Own Growth Mindset Efforts: Practice it yourself and share your results.