Charisma

Charisma

The tips in this section are primarily based on Dr. Olivia Fox Cabane’s book, ‘The Charisma Myth’ and the summaries of the book provided by /u/SuavePadawan and /u/upandup123 on /r/getSuave and on The Art of Manliness. There are 3 elements to Charisma: Presence, Power and Warmth.


 

Presence

Essentially active listening

 

  • Bring yourself to the here and now. Learn to focus on something such as your toes or your breath. That will bring you more into the moment and make you more present.
  • Make sure you’re physically comfortable
  • Set your devices on silent and put them out of sight
  • Look the person in the eye when they’re talking
    • Maintain eye contact, not doing so can be considered uncomfortable by some
    • Keep the regions around your eyes “soft”. Stern looks can intimidate people.
  • Nod to show that you’re listening
  • Ask clarifying questions
  • Avoid fidgeting
  • Don’t think about how you’re going to respond while the person is still talking
  • Never interrupt. Wait two seconds before responding 🌟
    • Let your face react and process what the person said for about two seconds, then speak. This makes people much more comfortable, and makes you seem more intelligent.
    • Try to count out two seconds in your head before you reply to what people say. You will first notice that, often, people were not finished speaking. They merely paused. By waiting two seconds, you allow them to finish their entire thought. Rather than interrupting the other person, you communicate genuine interest and attention to what they are saying. Second, waiting two seconds creates a moment of tension between the end of their thought and your reply. Because most people immediately jump into their reply, in waiting two seconds you communicate confidence and power.

Power

Being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.

  • Boost your confidence
    • Spend time with proper posture, taking up space with confident poses, and spend time smiling. Eventually your brain will pick up to this pace.
    • Chose your music choice carefully. Music can affect your mood heavily.
  • Know a little about a lot
  • Become physically fit
  • Dress for power
    • Wear clothes similar to those that you want to attract
  • Be the Big Gorilla
    • Envision a large gorilla tromping through the jungle. That’s the way you want to move. Not necessarily just like it, but by taking up space and moving with a purpose.
    • Don’t be concerned with mild collisions.
  • Assume Power Poses
  • Take control of your environment
  • Speak less and slowly
  • Boost your poise
    • Imagine James Bond. This guy doesn’t fidget, and doesn’t look to earn approval from who he’s conversing with.
    • Don’t fidget, don’t look to assure or please the person you are speaking to.
    • Assume that you are already bringing enough and that they have to bring the rest.
    • Now that you are conveying power, be careful not to over do it, as you might intimidate some people. Remember to keep soft eyes. Another helpful tip is to tilt your head down just a bit. This seems respectful, and makes you seem more knowledgeable.

Warmth

Warmth fulfills the basic human need to be understood, acknowledged, and taken care of — a need rooted in our very being all the way from childhood

 

Wishing goodwill on others is an excellent way to reach warmth, and create a feeling of warmth in others. With expressing goodwill, your body language will dramatically change and make you more charismatic.

Find three things to appreciate or approve of of someone you want to express goodwill to, things such as “their shoes were shined” or “they were on time”.

Visualize people as wearing angel wings. This will make you want to express goodwill, and support angels. Feel free to envision yourself wearing them too in order to create a sense of team effort toward a good cause. A band of angels working together.

 

Developing Warmth Within

  • Practice gratitude
  • Develop your empathy

 

Conveying Warmth To Others

  • Think of yourself as the host
  • Lead with a sincere compliment
    • People have a craving for appreciation. Show appreciation by saying stuff like ,”You did a great job!” rather than “Great job!”
    • People would rather be reaffirmed that they made the right choice then find a fault with it, so remind people they had a choice with you, and express gratitude. That will further make them happy with their decision.
      This also works in reverse. If you blame someone, they will probably only look for validation that they are right.
  • Put more warmth in your voice
    • Speak lowly, and slowly. Pause frequently. Lower intonation at the end of sentences. Imagine the word “closed” when picturing a judge saying, “The case is closed.”
  • Mirror their body language
    • People like others who are similar in speech, demeanor, appearance, etc.
    • Mimic the motions of those you are speaking to. This creates a sense of trust.
    • Be selective. There’s just some you can’t recreate without being suspicious or some motions may be gender specific
    • Use variations in amplitude. If they go big with a motion, maybe go small. Only do what’s comfortable.
    • Don’t mirror someone who is angry. Break them from their angry pose by handing them something or something, then move into a non angry one.
  • Relax your posture
  • Open up your body
  • Give them your “kind” eyes
  • Smile
  • Anticipate needs
  • Offer something warm to drink
  • Give a good handshake
  • Give people a chance to let you know the effort they put into something
    • Show people how their involvement has helped. People will feel driven to help support it.
  • Make them feel comfortable
  • Remember dates, anniversaries, and details
  • Give thoughtful gifts
  • Take care of things
  • Ask for help
    • Use the Benjamin Franklin effect in which asking someone to do you a favor will make you seem more likeable.
    • Instead, ask for their opinion, which will make them feel more valued.
    • If you can, find some way to remind them of a past time they helped out, and attempt to praise them for the warmth they had for doing that.

Break The Ice

  • Excellent way to start communication with warmth is to compliment something someone is wearing.
  • From there, ask an open ended question about it, “What’s the story behind that, where is it from, etc.”
  • Ask more open ended questions that don’t have a definitive yes or no answer.
  • Using lingo that relates to what they are interested in. For instance, if someone is really into golf describe a success as a hole in one.

Graceful Exits

  • Don’t linger, break it off fairly quickly and leave on a high note.
  • Massive bonus points if you offer them something when you leave. Something such as a connection or a resource they might enjoy/need.
  • Don’t worry about what you said, or what you will say. A MIT Media Lab study showed that how you made them feel is what counted.
  • If someone told you they want to be saved from a conversation, focus all your warmth and charisma not on the person being rescued, but on the person who is going to lose them, and ask them, “I’m really sorry, but X is needed to do X, would you mind if I take them?”. This will give them the sense that they had some say in the matter while also avoiding hurting their feelings.

Charismatic Speaking

  • Speak about positive topics and make people feel good when you speak to them. Positive connotations will make them much more likely to want to converse with you in the future
  • Take a compliment in full. Don’t qualify (“Oh its nothing!” or “No I’m not!”) or you may make the person who gave you the compliment feel as if they were wrong to compliment you. Apply good listener skills for bonus points.
  • “You can get more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”-Dale Carnegie.
  • Speaking with metaphors and creating images is more favorable to the brain, and more likely to make you sound like an effective speaker.
    Don’t use images when discussing negative things.

Deliver High Value

  • When you are speaking to someone you are demanding their time and attention. This is valuable, so you must deliver on it. For instance, you can do these three things to make it worth their time:
    • Make what you’re saying entertaining
    • Give interesting or helpful information
    • Find a way to arouse good feelings

Tuning your voice

  • Vocal Power
  • Vocal Warmth
  • Smile! This heavily affects how you sound and speak!

Divide and Conquer

  • Don’t try to win over a big group of people at once.
  • Understand which strategy you want to use with each person.

Delivering Bad News

  • Have distractions such as items for them to fidget with, candle light, or background music.
  • Prepare yourself to come from a place of compassion when you speak.

Delivering Criticism

  • Once again, create a comfortable environment, get into a compassionate place,
  • Get specific with your criticisms.
  • Depersonalize. Let the person know you are critiquing their behavior, not them.
  • “When you wait til the last possible minute to work on the presentation, I get nervous.” is the proper critique. “Why do you feel the need to wait til the last possible minute?” is not.

Critical Delivery

  • Start of on a positive note, such as bringing up their accomplishments.
  • Follow up with criticisms. Once again, depersonalize. Instead of asking “Could you get the presentation done earlier?”, say “In the future I would greatly appreciate it if you could be ready with the project a few days in advance.”
  • Deny yourself the joy of pointing out the fact that someone is wrong. Once again, make them feel good about themselves, then explain in a depersonalized way.
  • If things start getting verbally tense, remind them of times they’ve done well. Remember to mirror their actions to make them feel at ease.
  • End on a positive note.


 

Dressing Well

Use a military tuck

http://dappered.com/2014/08/a-minimalist-wardrobe-the-only-five-ties-you-need/

http://lifehacker.com/learn-the-basics-of-color-theory-to-know-what-looks-goo-1608972072

A. The Rules

1. Look as tall as you can.

This is easily achieved by making your legs look as long as possible and by following rules two & three.

  • Your legs make you look taller so by using DARK jeans/trousers/chinos/slacks on your legs you’re using the oldest trick in the book; dark colours = slimming = taller.
  • Use dark coloured socks and shoes to make your legs look longer. EXAMPLE: If you were to use dark jeans and light shoes, you’re creating a ‘visual break’ from head to toe.
  • Match the colour of your shoes to your belt or wear no belt at all. A belt is a horizontal line across your middle, if you have a wide middle you don’t want to put a horizontal line across that will draw unnecessary attention.
  • Match the ‘scale’ of your shoes to the ‘width’ of your trousers. For example, if you wear slim fit trousers, wear slim fit shoes.
  • If you’re a big fellah you will suit wide leg trousers, so your shoes should be slightly wider too – not pointy toe winkle pickers old chap

2. Maintain a slim or shaped waist.

  • A slimmer waist helps you achieve rule number three.
  • Whatever you wear around your waist should ‘hug’ your waist. If its baggy then you look baggy, if it’s too tight, you look too fat. If it just hugs you, you feel all nice and comfy and well fitted.
  • Garments with buttons on allow you to create a waist shape – blazers/ suit jackets/ cardigans/ waistcoats can all be used to slim down your waist line. Never button all the buttons on the garment, only button the ones that create a slim waist. For example, on a waist coat or cardigan it’s a good idea to leave the bottom button open. This is because you create a little upside down v shape by your waist helping the legs look longer and the waist narrower.

3. Make your shoulders look wider than your waist

  • Wide shoulders are a very masculine quality and keep attention focused at the upper end of your body
  • Wear a light colour under a darker garment. A white/light blue/ pink shirt under a dark garments such as a V-neck jumper or cardigan helps create wider shoulders – this is because the shape of the dark garment over the lighter coloured garment creates a natural V shape on the chest area – visually the shoulders look wider and the waist slimmer.
  • A V neck on any garment slims the neck, face and chest. Visually, if your neck and head appear slimmer, your shoulders appear wider.
  • Make sure that the shoulder seams on the shirts/t-shirt/jumper/ whatever you wear on top hit the very end (crown) of your shoulders. This maximises the width of your shoulders.

4. Wear clothes that fit

4.1. Shoulder seams

This is where the arm of a garment joins the main body at the shoulder. You need to make sure that where this seam falls is exactly at the end of your shoulder, this will help to make your shoulders appear as wide as they can.

This is such a common thing that guys fail to pick up on. The garment that seems to be the main offender is shirts, drooping shoulders or a tight fit are the result of badly fitted shoulder seems.

If the seams fall off your shoulder then the garment will look way too big for you, if it comes up your shoulder towards your neck, it will look too tight.

The shoulder seam should extend to the end of the shoulder, not any further. If it extends past the end of your shoulder, then the shirt is too big. (Models by Mark Manson)

4.2. Sleeves

Too baggy, too short or too long and you’ll look way out of proportion. A good place for a sleeve to fall is around the top of your hand, this is so that when you move about the cuff doesn’t ride up your arm. If you’re wearing a suit or a blazer the cuff wont disappear under the jacket.

4.3. Trouser/ jeans/ chino hems

The hem of a trouser is where it finishes at the ankles. The best place for the hem to finish is half way down the heel of your shoe. This rule applies because it helps the legs to look as long as possible, helping you look taller and this is a mistake that so many men make.

The bottom of your pants or jeans should rest gently on the top of your shoes (unless you have a specific brand – rocker or hip hop jeans). If you’re stepping on the back of your pants with the heel of your shoe, they’re too long. If your jeans are raising up to expose your socks when you walk, they’re too short. (Models by Mark Manson)

5. Match

6. Choose the Right Colours

6.1. Choose good colors for your skin tone.

B. Creating a Wardrobe

1. Accessories

These are the absolute quickest way to look more stylish (Models by Mark Manson)

Conversation

1. Prepare Beforehand


 

2. Approaching


3. Continuing

 


4. Useful Responses / Lines

  • “You gotta have patience for that”
  • Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  • What would constitute a perfect day for you?
  • What superpower would you want?
  • “If you had to choose between a year in Europe with a $2,000/month stipend or 10 minutes on the moon, which would you choose?”
  • Tell me more.
  • “That’s interesting. Why would you do that?”
  • “That’s interesting. Why would you say that?”
  • How awesome was your day? Even if they haven’t been having a good day, it sort of forces them to think of something good that happened to them that day. I use this all the time, its more cheerful than the boring “how are you”

 


5. Things To Keep In Mind


 

6. Special Cases

Apologies

Favours

Feedback

Giving

Receiving

Network




6. Useful Links

 

 

 

Psychological Tricks

 

 

Rapport

If you’re in a crowded social group, restaurant, bar, party etc… and you want to know if someone is checking you out try this:

Turn sideways from them (they will be either 90 degrees right or left of you), then very obviously, look at your watch (even if you don’t wear one, lift your wrist) then point at your watch and nod thoughtfully. Over acting is perfectly acceptable.

If they are keeping tabs on you, even peripherally, they will have a sudden urge to know the time and will either look at their own watch, cell phone, or casually look at the various obvious places where someone would put a clock.

Science confirms that strong emotions make people fall in love faster. Watch horror movies, rob a bank, go on a roller-coaster ride; create adrenaline.

Find out your common interests and strengths and exaggerate them, while downplaying or ignoring any differences that may exist between you.

Whatever your friend has just said, paraphrase it and say it again. The person who talks to you will subconsciously get the feeling you are a really great listener. Just don’t go too far with the paraphrasing thing.


Persuasaion & Manipulation of Others

Learn to use fallacies, cognitive biases and dissonance to your favour.

Whenever possible try to assume the role of the father (to women) or brother (to men). People will easily submit their trust to you.

The basis of authority? Body language, clothing style, financial resources, likeability/charm and intelligence. Combine them to lay the groundwork for all the other psychological manipulation techniques.

The Deference Principle: People will trust you and follow your instructions if you appear to be a person of authority.

Use the Door in the Face technique. Make an enormous request (like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cristobal_Colon did when asking for funding of his expedition) without the intention of having anyone accept the unrealistic offer. If you follow up with a small request afterwards, you are much more likely to have your request granted. Avoid making too big of a request/demand though because you might run risk of sabotaging the whole negotiation with an insulting demand.

Similar to the Foot in the Door technique. Ask them for a small favour and if they agree, follow up with a larger request.

Want someone to agree with you? Start asking them something you know they are going to agree upon, even if unrelated. For example ask a liberal person “I hate Hitler, do you like him?”. Follow up with the question or request you wish your vis-á-vis to agree upon.

If you want people to agree to your request, offer to do a little part of it, they are much more likely to agree if they see your good will and that you are prepared to put in some effort.

The Placebo Information. Give people any reason using “because” in your request. Studies have shown that the compliance can skyrocket, when giving any reason for your request. For example: Can you join me at the event tonight because I need an escort.

People love people who like them. People hate people who hate them.

Whenever you want someone to cooperate, agree with you or want them to calm down when angry, stand in a 45° angle to them or next to them. Standing or sitting in a direct line of a person tricks the brain into believing that the vis-à-vis is an enemy. Avoid this in interactions where your aim is cooperation.

People will be more likely to do you favors if you make more physical, platonic contact with them. Note the word “platonic”. Unless they are attracted to you, flirtatious behaviour will make them more aloof. One of the highly successful psychological manipulation techniques, frequently used subconsciously.

Be aware of whether a person is a “thinker” or a “feeler” and target your message accordingly. Most people though value emotion over rationality.

The three elements of every speech or debate? Logos (the Content/Argument), Ethos (credibility/authority) and Pathos (means to influence his audience or opponent, emotional appeal).

If you want to manipulate people, alter their mental state. A scared, stressed, shocked or anxious person has less inclination to refuse. Reason is that they think with their primitive limbic system, which only knows black & white, but no shades of grey.

A two-sided argument refuting the opposite argument is more persuasive than a one-sided argument. Read the definition here.

Light swearing at the beginning or end of a speech, debate, etc is often beneficial as it increases the audience’s perception of the speaker’s intensity.

What everyone is aiming for: Affiliation, being liked, accuracy and a positive self-concept and protection of his ego.

Tell people that they look/are exactly the type of person who would do xyz.

Convince them that you are Jesus Christ reborn. Pretend to be loved by everyone to create massive social proof.

Never use qualifying words (maybe, probably,…) when trying to influence people. Instead, frame your words in a way that makes them sound like you are only stating confirmed, definite facts.

A person who frequently draws attention to his genitals(scratching, adjusting down there. Holding his belt with his thumbs, ergo taking a manly stance) values his masculinity. Attacks on his masculinity will hurt him much more while he will love to hear compliments about it.

Mirror other people’s body language and actions. Don’t do it instantly, because they will catch up on it, but do it with some time delay.

Match your speech (speed, use of words, pitch) to your vis-à-vis to build rapport

Belief and emotion trumps rationality and logic.

To effectively deliver advice, say “my father once told me, that it is best to do xyz that way”.

One of the strongest tools to shame someone is to accuse them of being creepy. This is a word nobody wants to be associated with.

Emphasise scarcity. People want what they can’t have, or at least what might be running short.

Reversal: Abundance. If you come from a place of abundance, are known for or appear to not be needing the deal/the girl/the job, you are in a favourable position.

Dominance is sexy. Women are more likely to agree with something, if they are touched on the arm during the request.

If your target starts raising their voice, tell them that you’ll understand them better if they talk calmly. This phrase is provocative because everyone wants to be understood in a debate. Same goes for a sudden increase in speed.

Want an answer to a question? Instead of asking the question, post a wrong answer. People are much more likely to correct you than answer a question.

Assumption Principle: Assume that the other person agrees with your terms. Example “I am going to come to your place and show you how I can save you money on your insurance. When is the best time?”Even better is to combine this approach with limited options. Make people choose between 20:00 and 21:30.

Want your kids to eat broccoli? Go ahead and ask them if they want two or five stalks of broccoli instead of asking them if they want broccoli. Thus, you’ve made your mind and chose broccoli for their lunch, but they feel like they have really made their own decision. You can use the same old trick in different situations.

Your friend will most likely help you carry, let’s say, a box of your stuff if you continue talking while handing over the box. The majority of people won’t even notice you’re handing them something and will take it. However, some people more attentive and less close to you may get pretty confused.

If you want someone to help you, start your phrase with the words ‘I need your help…’ People hate feeling guilty and that’s why they won’t be able to refuse to help.

If you’re lying, always always ALWAYS include some detail that is embarrassing to you. It makes your story far more believable.

For example:
Instead of saying, “No I wasn’t at Jimson James’ house. I was with Randy the whole time.”
Try saying, “No I haven’t been to Jimsons’ in a while. I clogged his toilet so I don’t think his parents want me over there for a while… So me and Randy hung out.”

The extra embarrassing detail makes your story seem more truthful. It gets you out of a lot of shit.

When dealing with a religious person, swear to god that you are telling the truth, when lying.

If you feel like someone is telling only half the truth, utilise the tension of silence and stare at them.


Persuasaion & Manipulation of Self

Use positive affirmations. Tell yourself that you like your vis-à-vis or that you are not only the greatest, but the double greatest. Our subconscious minds affect the way we act and treat people.

Chew gum before or during a stressful situation to trick your mind into thinking that there can’t be an immediate danger, because you are “eating”.

A couple of confidence instilling tricks… the key to confidence is walking into a room, and assuming everyone there already likes and respects you. Make a habit of smiling at people… smile more and see how good you will feel about yourself, in the process you will make others feel good, and you will render yourself open to making more friends/associates. When alone, try making the biggest smile possible, you’ll automatically feel happier and more outgoing. Also, if you start acting like you’re a confident and assertive person, people will believe you are indeed that – ‘fake it until you make it’.


Miscellaneous

If you want to avoid that weird soft shoe dance that happens when you try to pass by someone but you both choose the same direction to step, look intently over their shoulder on the side you want to pass by. It makes weaving through crowds a breeze.

If you look above everyone’s heads, they will get out of your way and you’ll never need to swerve, because they can’t tell where you’re going. I’ve done this on Oxford Street in London and in busy tube stations. Works every time.

 


Sources:

  1. http://modernmachiavelli.com/psychological-manipulation-techniques/
  2. http://detechter.com/12-cool-psychology-tricks-that-will-make-your-life-easier/

Etiquette & Manners

General Etiquette

 


Digital Etiquette

  • If you post a question on a forum, then find the answer, it is common courtesy to post the answer in said forum for future reference.
  • When someone hands you their phone to see a photo, do not swipe left/right. If you’re handing someone your cell to see a photo, zoom in a little first.
  • Don’t watch what other people are doing on the computer, its bad manners to sneak behind someone and stare like if you are judging.
  • Write every email as though it may be forwarded to the person who you’d least like to see it.

Parenting

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2015/05/13/kids-and-allowance/

Cataloging Their Life

Teaching Them To Read A Bike

Make sure their feet can touch the ground if they’re sitting down on the bike. Tell them to begin to move the bike forward by pushing their feet against the ground (IOW, tell them to “walk themselves along on the bike.”) They will become very familiar with the momentum balance very quickly. Then, simply tell them to lift their feet and begin to pedal when they’re ready to. The classic style of teaching your kid to ride that we’re all familiar with – your hand gripping their seat and the other on the handle bar and you begin to push them to gain momentum and tell them to “keep pedaling,” is, in my experience, relatively ineffective. Using this method, your child will learn in under five minutes and you won’t have to touch them or the bike at all. This is very simple.

Taking Them Out